Tuesday, March 13, 2012

soap box and deep thoughts.

don't ask me why, but i am watching the ending of the bachelor. i hated the way i started feeling about myself listening to that courtney say what she did about the other women. i think it's a reality that no one talked about - she was a jerk to all women. she is the girl we always hope doesn't really exist. and personally, she is the girl i truly didn't think did. she has as strengths all the things i feel are my weaknesses. so i started thinking that all that she was, was who i was supposed to be. 

that really freaked me out. i knew i was so wrong, but i could feel myself believing it. so i stopped watching the show. 

i was curious to see how things ended up. so i watched parts of the girls tell all, and the finale, and after the final rose. pretty nice to watch it all in 1 1/2 including the commercials during the buffering!

ben mentioned that courtney was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and there was instant attraction. i get that to a degree. sometimes i just hope that a man has learned to see a few other things that just physical appearance. i do believe there are those men. 

after ben ended things with linzie, i hate that she said that she was made at herself for not being what ben needed. wow. really? granted, in the past, i have DEFINITELY been and felt that same way. but i hope at this point in my life, when/if i am in that situation again, i hope i won't apologize for being me. i hope that i can be proud of what i am and know that he wasn't the best for me and that i wasn't the best for him. i want to be confident that God is a God of promises and that a man will want me just as much as i want him. 

on the same lines, i have been thinking about holes. i am stepping off my soap box and going to the deep  and personal thoughts. so feel free to stop reading. this is more for me. the famous dallas graham (below) wrote a poem/story about holes. the holes in our heart from people who have left. 

when he shared it this weekend, i have realized just how few people i have really let into my heart this past year and a half. after being completely and truly smashed, it is so much safer to just so this life thing alone. i don't know that i can handle the pain again. i don't know that i can handle re-opening again. 

but i am working on it. i am taking care of myself so that i am proud of me and who i am and who i am creating. i am working on my confidence that i am enough and i am lovable. baby steps. baby steps. baby steps. 

moral of the story: i don't want to be anything like courtney. i don't want men that want courtney's. i am okay with me. 


Endless Days and Northern Nights said...

love you em. you make me be a better me. P:

melimba said...

I love this. I love that you are figuring out who YOU are and who YOU want to be. And, that, my girl, is more than enough.

love you.

Kim said...

Emily you are amazing! One day I hope you find a man that loves you for you as well. I couldn't stand Cortnie either . . . she was awful and I didn't like who Ben was around her.

Tony told me he knew I was the one for him because I was the first girl he was ever truly himself around and never had to be something he wasn't. One day you will find that, and while you are looking know that you are a daughter of God and that makes you pretty fantastic!

Heather said...

you're awesome emily. i don't know why i never saw this post before. good thoughts. we need more great gals like you in the world!